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Last night I was eating my plate of spaghetti, when his Divine Holiness Flying Spaghetti Monster touched me with His noodly appendage, appointing me as His sole representative here on Earth. And He did reveal the 𝐂𝐨𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐜 𝐑𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐏𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐚 unto myself, and commanded that I impart this knowledge to His faithful upon this Earth.

So now, for a limited time only, you too can have 𝐂.𝐑.𝐀.𝐏., and through 𝐂.𝐑.𝐀.𝐏., eternal salvation*! That's right, understanding this 𝐂.𝐑.𝐀.𝐏. as revealed by myself, the sole representative of His Divine Noodlyness, will ensure your soul's eternal salvation!!! How much would you expect to pay for eternal salvation? But wait, don't answer yet, there's more...

Not only will you get eternal salvation, but you will be freed from all care and responsibility in this life!! You heard me correctly, for a limited time I am providing this fantastic once-in-a-lifetime two-for-one deal - eternal salvation and freedom from this life!!! By following the path of 𝐂.𝐑.𝐀.𝐏., (plus whatever rules His Divine Noodlyness imparts as I go along) all your thinking will have been done for you!! You need never think or reason again; you will be freed to bask in the glorious starchiness of His Divine Noodlyness, listening to His words as spoken through me. Now, how much would you be prepared to pay for this fantastic deal? But wait, there’s even more...

Now you may be asking yourself "Ok Burt', I'm getting the eternal salvation, and this thinking for myself was a real pain, but what else is in it for me?" Have I got the deal of a lifetime for you!!! Not only do you get the eternal salvation, and the privilege to hear me talk 𝐂.𝐑.𝐀.𝐏. all day, but you will have the honour of letting your most beautiful women share my bed!!! That's right, you heard correctly!!! Your most beautiful women will be the conduit through which the Flying Spaghetti Monster will bring His Heavenly Blessings to Earth via myself, His humble vessel and sole representative. Our union with the Divine Noodly Appendage shall bring enlightenment upon all the faithful.

So how much are you prepared to pay for all this? You get the 𝐂.𝐑.𝐀.𝐏. which leads to eternal salvation, and the freedom from responsibility, and the opportunity for Noodly Enlightenment all in this once-in-a-lifetime package. So what's the price? How much does it cost??

For a limited time only, all this can be yours from the low low introductory price of All Your Earthly Possessions!!! You heard correctly!!! Just sign over All Your Earthly Possessions to me, and you will be guaranteed this entire package deal. So hurry up, liquidate your assets, and send the resulting cheque to:

Ima Prick
c/o My Big Bank Account
Hollywood, CA
90210

Seating on the spacecraft is limited, so be sure to act quickly to avoid disappointment when the Mother Probe leaves for Uranus. I hope to see you in the Pasta Sauce in the sky!!

* 𝑫𝒐𝒆𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒗𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒍𝒗𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏. 𝑴𝒂𝒚 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒏𝒖𝒕𝒔. 𝑽𝒐𝒊𝒅 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆.